i’m just going to rant for a moment. it’s been a bad week. i’ll break it down into an outline format to organize why.
my school is being hit hard with OAA expectations that we’re currently NOT meeting. so our principal has suddenly decided to emerge from her cave of an office and demand a whole lot of things from us that were never even mentioned before. she’s also constantly in a bad mood because she’s getting pressure from higher-ups. anyway, this means that education has flown out the window and our curriculum has instead been replaced with teaching to the test, no subtlety about it. we’re literally ditching everything else and just teaching the OAA. it’s insane, it’s frustrating, it’s boring. the kids hate it. i hate it. it makes for a very unhappy workday.
2. 5 day weeks.
i know this is the norm, but it’s been SO LONG since we’ve had one because of the polar vortex, that now this long stretch of 5 day week-ness until april feels like an eternity.
3. professional relationships.
i won’t talk about it too much, but recently, a mentor figure of mine assigned to me by cleveland schools reamed at me for a lot of stuff and really hurt my feelings. it was basically half a rant against me, half a rant against TFA and the fact that i’m a teachforamerica teacher. and it reallyreallyreally sucked. and i have to see her again on thursday for another conversation, to try and reestablish our relationship….and i’m really nervous. and terrified. i haven’t been so doubted and accused in a long time. it was pretty rough. the idea of confronting her stresses me out, and i could use a lot of prayer on that end.
which brings me to #4 and probably the greatest problem so far, faith issues.
i don’t think i’ll ever stop believing in God nowadays. but i will still get angry at him and doubt him sometimes. and right now is one of those times.
my parents headed back from taiwan today, and their last attempt to preach the gospel to my grandma didn’t work. neither did the last 230491280341 attempts. and honestly, i’ve had this prayer for her salvation since before i can remembering believing in God. pretty sure i used to pray it solely because i felt i had to, not because i honestly thought there was some Higher Power out there who was listening. i’ve prayed for her throughout my whole life.
and still nothing has happened.
and i know he works in mysterious ways, i know his timing is greater than and wiser than mine, and i also know that even if he chooses not to save her, that he is still Lord. i will still love him and follow him.
but i’m just so mad and confused and upset and frustrated. why hasn’t he done anything yet? after all these years. why has he still not heard me?
this all combines into some dark, desperate place of loneliness and hurt. i don’t ‘feel' him anymore when i pray or read the bible. there's no sense of peace or wholeness. there's just…angst and doubt and anger.
i’m pretty pissed at God.
but at the same time, i still believe in him and love him.
it’s just annoying.
life is annoying.
march is annoying.
mentors are annoying.
principals are annoying.
students today were actually really annoying.
i’d like to huddle down into my blankets and sleep until spring break, please.
let’s be vulnerable, shall we? it’s a monday night and the first five day week of work i’ve had in ages, and i survived a loooooonnnggg monday. plus it’s brisk outside in a sharp, cold way, and the sky is clear with bright stars when i walked home under it. i went on a run for the first time in weeks, then merely stood under the hot water of a shower and soaked everything in. my parents are in taiwan trying to tell my grandma about Jesus and His love. her health is fading. a lot is happening and the world spins so quickly, there’s really no guarantee of tomorrow.
so let’s be vulnerable.
guys, i’m going to be frank. i think i’m pretty awesome. i know i’m smart, fun, generally easygoing. i make friends easily and i usually accomplish whatever i set my mind to doing. i like me. i like my mind. i like my sense of humor. i like my friends. i like my family. i like my life.
but this past weekend, i did something really mean and disrespectful and ugly to someone who honestly meant to harm. then, directly after i offended this person, i reacted very strongly. looking back, i’m stunned at how quickly i regressed to 16 year old grace—bitter, angry, resentful. all my authority issues from old scarred wounds reared up inside me again.
this happened directly after a wonderful meeting where i had felt so close with God, where i had stood up for songs to worship Him, where i had prayed earnestly to praise Jesus. and then literally 30 minutes later, i snapped at someone and hurt their feelings.
it shocked me. i forget sometimes how evil i am, because i’ve convinced myself that i’m so ‘good’—look at me. i work with poor small children. i try so hard. i have such good friends. i have such a good family. i care about and love people. i pray regularly. i read my Bible quasi-regularly. i’m great.
except i’m not.
the whole experience was such a slap in my face of how not great i am. i am small, i am petty, i am rebellious. i have weird authority issues where i don’t like being told what to do and i react very strongly when someone tries to enforce rules upon me. i am stubborn and hard hearted. i have a freaking horrible temper. there is a lot of ugliness inside me, and i hated seeing it so clearly that sunday afternoon.
i was musing on it when i drove home, still troubled and frustrated with my self.
then the coolest thing happened—there was a song on the radio. i had never heard it before. it was kinda twangy and country-ish, so not my style at all, and i actually hated the guy’s voice and the tune.
but the word were so good.
it was about being washed clean in love. about condemnation being totally erased, about how complete our salvation is in Christ. and how no matter how evil we are, how far we fall, Christ loved and still loves and will love us.
i don’t know the song and i can’t remember it all.
but God is good. God is so, so good.
i’m such a messed up, crazy small, petty, temperamental, poorly-behaved, rebellious, stupid person sometimes. who makes excuses for herself.
i’ll expound upon this later when i have time, but isn’t it crazy how Christ still loves me and died for me? when i look at His love—His all-encompassing, non-judgmental, ever-accepting love, i’m actually in awe.
guys, Jesus loves you.
every bit of you.
just like He loves me—every single dark ugly selfish angry part of me.
i’m being serious about everyone watching sherlock.
everyone, and i do mean everyone, should watch sherlock.
my best friend jane has gotten me into the idea of using lists, because they’re organized and they help you see clearly in step-by-step format what you need to accomplish in one day.
so here’s my list. because otherwise i’m never going to do anything.
1. upload all my grades online. 2. submit progress report grades. 2a. edit: call to see why the website doesn’t work for me…. 3. find bellwork for groups A and B of next week. 4. find reading passages and activities for groups A, B, C, D, E, and F for next week. 5. math division packets for groups A B C next week 6. call the electric company and the heating company to change our names.
7. call parents for tutoring? this can also wait.
8. print lexia certificates 9. make lexia boards for each student 10. set up math challenge and reading challenge centers 11. work out at some point during the day.
12. write my children’s book chapter for the week.
13. pray, read my bible, journal.
14. call amy keech/amelia/elizabeth/june.
i’m overwhelmed already, gah.